I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
