FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think I sprained my soul last night
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
