The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize