just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
