I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
