dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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