I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
