I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize