she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Randomize
