The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
