yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
