The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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