Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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