Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
