If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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