So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize