If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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