if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
