Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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