Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
