i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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