I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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