i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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