My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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