Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
