Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
