I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
