You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
