He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
