if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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