Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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