That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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