While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Randomize
