I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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