Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
