and next time when you feel me up, do it right
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
