Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
