Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
