i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize