In the future we'll all be gay
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
