Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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