i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
