i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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