I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
