Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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