Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
