my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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