pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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