I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Couch. On fire.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize