I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize