Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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