Apparently you make a good broom.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
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