forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
