went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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