I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
