Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
