I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
