did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
