Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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