I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
