Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
