i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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