i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
