alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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