stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
