you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
