Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
